7 Steps To Reclaiming Your Joy

I have had quite a few people ask me over the last few months about Joy, Passion and where the heck it seems to have gone.  Life on the outside looks really good, they aren’t struggling financially, there are wonderful people that love them, they are highly talented and all the rest – but it feels empty, grey, kinda bleak and as if something is missing.  So what’s with Joy and why does it feel so elusive sometimes?  Has someone drawn too heavily on the Joy bank and therefore there is none for you?  NO.  Let me assure you of that one.  There is more than enough Joy to go around.  I remember those times,  Joy, Passion and Love of Life had seemed to vanish, in fact I am sure they had been flushed down the toilet.  I was trapped in an abusive marriage, and when I walked away with wounds that were physical, emotional, mental and spiritual at some point I ended up taking care of a Mother who was the mirror image of my ex husband.  Lucky me! But hey life happens, and we show up and we need to learn, grow, expand and I had two of the best teachers for that.

First let’s differentiate between Happiness and Joy, they are both emotions, however Happiness may be caused by luck, good fortune, or other person-centric pleasures. Joy is caused by elation at a moment in time. Joy may not always be about oneself but be about others’ contentment also.Joy is an emotion comprised of feelings of happiness, contentment, and harmony. It differs from general happiness in that it is not caused by a particular event but comes from within the individual. … Joy is a generalized feeling that comes from the person.

Well that’s all fine and good to get the ball park idea of the differences, but where the heck do I find it?  I am going to say something that you may not like – Joy is an inside job.  (Yes, I did say that).  Seriously, Joy is not based on an externality, for example you get a new car, you don’t feel Joy, you feel happy.  As you drive the car, relish and remember how you saved for what you wanted, feel the safety, revel in the heated leather seats –  you start to feel Joy when you drive the car, not because of the car per se, but because of the experience.    Does that make sense?

Okay, so let’s say you agree it’s an inside job.  Now what?  From my experience, the more you feel anything the more it becomes a default.  So if you continually feel that the world is out of whack or that there is something wrong with you as you don’t feel Joy and Passion every moment of the day – guess what?  That’s your default.  So it is time to gently, and with massive compassion,  deconstruct that default.  So let’s go have a look at the 7 steps.  

You Have a Choice.  Make a choice to acknowledge those moments of Joy or happiness that occur.  I mean seriously say – thank you, thank you, thank you.  It could be a ladybug landing on your laptop keyboard, a hummingbird dive bombing you as you are too close to their nest.  It could be someone giving you a beaming heart based smile as you pass them on the street.  It could be finding a four leaf clover when you are outside having a cuppa tea.  But if your head isn’t up, your eyes aren’t open and there isn’t a willingness to welcome and see those moments, then you won’t.   I used to write notes that said Joy on them and would have them tucked everywhere, my wallet, in a pocket, in a book and I would give them to friends.  A little reminder to remember to look for Joy not to expect it to come to me, but to look, say hello, welcome it in with an understanding that like a random encounter it could be gone very quickly.  

The more I did this, the more I put my focus on looking for Joy, not with desperation and demand, but with a willingness to see it and invite it in for a party, or a cuppa tea.  

Your Circumstances Don’t Define You.  Some days are challenging, that is fact.  Some people can be very unkind, absolutely twat like and it hurts.  But these are transitory, honestly they are.  You may be feeling confused, stuck, trapped or so overwhelmed you want to find a dark closet to hunker down in.  But in the words of Marie Forleo – everything is figureoutable!  What you are feeling today or what is happening today is not going to be what is happening tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now.  It really isn’t.  The pain slowly dulls, the arsehole leaves, you find a better job, you hang out with people who appreciate you instead of dragging you down.   But note Point 1 – You have a choice.  Do you remember Eeyore from the Winnie the Pooh stories?  He was always gloomy, especially when he lost his tail or someone took his bow.  It’s okay to be gloomy for a bit – but please don’t hand over your life, your wellbeing, your power to someone else.  Don’t let anyone or anything define you for longer than 3 days.  I have a pair of knickers (panties for North Americans) that are huge!  They cover all the way to the boobs and they sit in a large ziploc bag in a prominent area of my office and they are called The Big Girl Emergency Knicker kit.  If needed unzip the bag, place big girl panties on, pull up and crack on.  

You Are Not Alone!  I know some days you may think to yourself – wow, I am all alone in the world.  Honey bee, you really aren’t, it may feel like that and that can be very scary, but you are not alone. Sometimes we feel alone because we feel broken, or not good enough, or that things on the outside look so good, how can I talk about the pain, emptiness I am feeling?  This is where I bring in the G word or the U word, don’t get hooked on the word though.  God, Goddess, Universe, Divine is there, hanging out around you all the time.  But you have to open up a conversation with her.  How?  Just start one as if you are meeting your friend at a coffee shop, share your woes, your dreams, your trepidation, your elation.  Yes, it does mean you might look like you are talking to yourself (I do it verbally as I drive, walk in the woods, sit by the water).  So what?  This energy loves you to pieces!  Think about if you had a best friend come over and you didn’t talk to her the whole time, kinda the same thing.  Talk, say things, write things, share things with others, with yourself, with the Big U or whatever you want to call it.  If you haven’t read Gabby Bernsteins book “The Universe has your back”, I highly suggest you do.   If you dropped your defenses and armour and opened up you would find people galore who would happily sit and listen to you and your story, with no judgement and if you listened to their stories you would find that you are so not alone.  

Silence is Golden, Duct tape is Silver.  You are a complex, delightful and delicious being.  But when was the last time you sat with yourself and instead of focusing on the negative self-talk, you listened.  You asked a question and you just listened for the answer or the silence?  Meditation is fabulous for this and puleaseeeeee – if you dare to say you are too busy to meditate I will have to come give you a stern talking to!  You don’t need a special cushion in a special room with the right crystals, a candle and some elevator music playing in the background.  You just have to be willing to drop into your belly to breathe and allow for however long you like the thoughts to flow by and not be attached to them.  

It can happen in a long grocery line, whilst you are watching your kids hockey practice, in the massive traffic jam on the M4.  One minute, that’s all you need.  One minute.  Just breathe, imagine yourself as a strong mountain and for one minute the thoughts that cross your mind are clouds.  Just puffy clouds that move with the wind in front of your face.  The more you take time to listen the more you hear. See Point 3 – You are never alone, but you need to allow space for the conversation.

Go Help Someone Else.  When you are feeling meh, and a sigh escapes your lips instead of a “Whoot!”  Go help someone else.  Why?  Because it gets you out of your own head and helping, service and doing something that benefits someone else makes you feel frigging awesome. (It probably makes the other person feel pretty darn good too).   This could be anything from volunteering at a non-profit who helps others, buying a sandwich (or making a sandwich) for the homeless guy.  Walking your elderly neighbor’s dog.  Weeding a friend’s garden as they are overwhelmed and could do with some help.  Anything.  Life is better when it’s not all about you……

Forgive, Release and Move On.  If your head and heart are filled with old, stale resentments, hurts, sore and raw trigger points where is the space for Joy?  There isn’t any.  It’s like receiving a gorgeous crystal chandelier that you have always wanted and opening up a stuffed, mouse ridden closet and cramming your gorgeous chandelier in there.  (Are you getting the picture?)  Personally I practice forgiveness daily.  Forgiveness for myself and where I messed up, or was too sharp, unkind or thoughtless with someone.  Forgiveness for others who have hurt me.  Forgiveness for a situation that I may or may not have created.  But seriously, I used to pack that crap like a steamer trunk behind me and there was no energy to look at the wonderful things that were right before me.

Gratitude is an Attitude!  Take time every day, every day (did I say every day) to be grateful.  I personally do it at night after I have done my Forgiveness practice and I go BIG!  I write down or speak out loud all the wonderful people, places, things, events, flowers, birds – you name it, that I am grateful for that day and WHY.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing to be a BIG thing.  It could be someone popped a quarter in your parking meter, a wonderful friend (who knows you eat like a horse) swung by with a raspberry cupcake iced to the hilt.  It could be your kid actually picked up their stinky soxs and put them – gulp – in the laundry basket!  Or it could be your dog greeted you with tail spinning exuberance and unconditional love when you got home after a long, trying day.  

To me Joy is in the day to day, there are always moments that I can tap into, mainly because I ensure that I am doing something that I know will provide the playground for that.  An example is nature for me, if I am feeling wibbly wobbly and disconnected and out of sorts.  I pull on my boots, grab the beasts and head up either into the woods or down to the water and breathe in the green, look for the flowers, pause at patches of clover to see if I can find a 4 leaf one (and I normally find a few a month) and then I frigging celebrate these gifts.  Why?  Because if I don’t, I don’t tap into that Joy that floods up through my toes and rushes through my body and makes my heart expand tenfold.  When I make a choice to look for it daily, the world is a far kinder, loving, welcoming place.    So delicious one, go out with your head held high, your heart open and a willingness to see, experience, smell and taste the gifts that have always been there, you might not have been willing to see them.  

Joy is foundational to your well being.  Joy is the fibre of your soul.  Joy is ever present and waiting for you to look over, wink and say welcome!